Positive/ negative 

What is your basic approach to life? 

Robbie was quiet as we drove out to visit his friend Danny. We used to be neighbours and Danny and Robbie still enjoyed playing together now that we lived in the city and the boys had grown from toddler, preschool,  to grade school friends. I was listening to CBC radio as a vineyard owner told about playing classical music in his vineyard.  He told about the grapes closest to the loudspeaker that grew more abundant, and noticing this he expanded playing music for the people working the grape vineyards to benefit the grapes. 

Robbie piped up from the back seat, ‘That could be a cool experiment for the science fair.’ The kids in Elementary school were encouraged to identify a science experiment, carry out the experiment over time, record results and finally present their work at a science fair for the whole school and community. The challenge for parents was to support and encourage but not design and/or do the work for their kids. A few years of Robbie’s learning about science fair for his own projects and other kids work had him thinking ahead, six months ahead of the school’s focus. 

A summer experiment and long-term interest was totally something I was excited to support. Robbie and I went to the plant store and collected a total of 6 different types of plants and 6 of each type. On cookie trays Robbie set the plants up, each pan had: 2 patience, 2 cactus, 2 ivy, 2 fern, 2 violet, 2 spider. 

Robbie took some time thinking of what his messages would be and then he wrote directions on cards :  

Tray One got sunshine and water 

            Tray Two got sunshine and water and a negative message. 

“You are ugly, you can’t grow, and you will never be big and strong.” 

Tray Three got sunshine and water and a positive message. 

“You are beautiful, healthy and strong. You grow great every day.” 

There were three separate windows in the bedroom, bathroom and living room, and so the trays rotated every two weeks as Robbie did not want anything about the room place to be what would affect their growth.  

The starting measurements of plants and pictures were helpful because it is hard to measure a plant’s growth, height, and fullness.  

Robbie spoke to tray 2 and tray 3 daily. When he was away, I spoke to his plants.  Robbie made a graph of his plants measuring every two weeks. I noticed that he was worried about his plants as all were growing with water and sun, tray 3 was doing better than the rest but a couple of tray 2 plants were lagging, the cactus was the same on all trays but patience and violet were falling behind.  

After a month of tray 2 struggling, I noticed a surge in tray 2’s performance on the charts. I wondered if Robbie was struggling to measure and record changes? I listened in on his conversation with tray 2. He very quietly read his card to the plants, then with a louder encouraging voice Robbie told his plants, “you are the best, you can be healthy and strong and beautiful. I believe in you!!”  

When Robbie presented his results on the trifold of charts with his plants and pictures he had to tell how he changed the experiment because he did not want to be mean to tray 2. Robbie and I put his plants in different containers as they continued growing, yet he had a continual connection to tray 2 and 3. He said his plants knew he cared.  

Robbie asked on his display board:  

What messages do you tell yourself?  

What do you hear at home?  

at school?  

We can all grow healthy and strong like the plants when someone believes in us and tells us positive messages.  

Robbie was interested in the fact that some plants seemed more sensitive than others. His science experiment has stayed with me over the years and it has been a pivotal part of Robbies ability to encourage others when working in groups at school and he maintains a positive outlook in all he does. 

Are Optimism and Pessimism a given?  

Do we come into this world with a positive or negative outlook inherent in our nature? Is it our nature, or nurturing? 

Robbie’s talk to plants experiment lends itself to thinking that our environment, our nurturing is the significant role in our attitude toward life. If your partner is negative, your boss is highly critical, are you less likely to be your best and perform to your optimal capacity?  Experience says no. 

Clearly the climate of our home and work environment has an impact on our functioning. So how can I explain Ross?  

Ross came into this world three weeks late. As his head was out, I asked the doctor if I could push. She had to reach in and remove Ross’s hands from their strong grip on the umbilical cord. She laughed, and said, ‘this is a strong character, I expect you will never push this little one.’  

Ross was a pessimist in his basic nature. When I first met Rob, the boys father, his mom said Rob had ‘troubly’ days in his young childhood. Rob’s negative approach to life stayed with him.  

I bought the book, Learned Optimism: How to change Your mind and your life by Martin E.P. Seligman. Seligman believes that Optimism can be learned and I through all my parenting efforts at it with all my strength. One day I asked Ross, ‘can you please see the good side of things? It is hard to always hear your negative thoughts about things.’ Ross came back with, ‘well it is hard to always hear your happy ideas. Somethings ,like failing math, are nothing to be happy about.’ 

Ross was right. There are situations and times when the realistic view is negative. ‘It sucks that my bike got smashed.’  ‘It is not fair that I get sick on the one time the class was going skiing.’  Is there a balance? Can we have positive self talk, and support of others to basically encourage and support a positive life with good relationships and happiness? Can we be realistic about negative events and experiences, and learn ways to lift ourselves and others out of the negative take?  

Awareness is the first step in becoming aware of your self-talk and relationships with others. I recorded my parenting during the arsenic hour, that time at the end of the day, when a stressful day builds up, hunger takes over and kids and parents can get grumpy. It was an eye-opener to listen to my recorded voice, raising to stop boys fighting. While this is a good way to become aware of you positive and negative approach to life; the negatives can make me believe I should just keep my mouth shut and say nothing.  

I applaud myself for having the wisdom to look at my real behaviour  and words; only by being aware of things can I change them. Ross seemed to be a pivotal player in all the arsenic hour problems. I decided to address blood sugar concerns first. Making sure the boys had healthy snacks and water; and some chill time, listening to stories or watching Mister Rogers. Or Wild Kratts.  

Here are some key elements to teaching optimism: 

Personal: 

When something negative happens, do you make it about yourself?  

Bad stuff happens to me. Other kids were stepping on the flowers, but the teacher only picked on me. 

Pervasive: 

The spill factor, all life sucks, school is bad, my cat sleeps with my brother, and the last favourite muffin was eaten by someone, not me.  

Persistent  

Life is miserable forever, this whole day, start to finish has been a complete failure. Last week was bad too and now I am supposed to see better days ahead? Not likely! 

The goal is not to correct a negative view, but to reframe it, to a different view of things.  

A total bummer that the horse stepped on your foot, lets get that boot off and put some ice on it and you will feel better right away.  

I can see you are miserable about losing  

Making connections 

Just as Robbie’s plants did better with positive encouragement, why wasn’t it turning Ross’s negativity around?  Positive views of things with Ross were like pouring water on concrete, it did not seem to soak in.  As I looked in on my young sons as they slept, I had that feeling every parent has, how sweet, young, and wonderful a sleeping child is. There is no talking back, there is no doubling down of the negative as if the positive words I had were a setup for a fight.  

Just as Robbie pointed out plants don’t have ears, yet they sense the message, my son was sleeping, but not deaf.  I began Martha’s Midnight Mothering. I wrote out a positive message for my son. “ You like school and enjoy learning. You get along well with your family and people at school. And you really like to swim. I added the swimming thing because Ross did not want to go to swimming lessons and he did not want to swim when the family were at the pool or the lake.  It would not be as easy to measure a change in attitude as it would be to see if swimming improved.  

We were driving across Canada to a Lake in North Western Ontario. Ross was in shotgun position, reading the map and helping the driver. He asked, ‘Will we stop for the night at the place with the pools?’ I said it would depend on what time we arrived in Moose Jaw, and I asked why he asked. ‘because I really like to swim!’ and it was true. We stopped at the place with the pool and when we went to the pool, Ross got in the water in the shallow end, then put his face in the water to pick up a toy on the bottom.  He never looked back and became a great swimmer with lessons and camp.  

For years to come, my midnight mothering was a strong success in building strength, well-being and confidence when needed. At various times my children would need a boost, sometimes the whispers would wake them so I could just stand by their room and send loving building thoughts. One night when Michael was trying to make decisions about University, Rugby and girls I whispered my encouragement that he would know what to do and make good decisions. I thought, ‘I don’t think he is sleeping.’ So I whispered, Michael, are you asleep? ‘No, but go on, I like this part.’ 

The good news is that you can encourage yourself by writing positive messages for yourself and reviewing and rereading them just as you go to sleep.  We are susceptible to taking things in as we cross over to sleep.